i know its a random thing after so long of not blogging but somehow i feel the events around me seem to be bringing me back to the blog as an outlet. who knows what might happen. in any case, i'm happy with my life now. quite anyway. haha. stay tuned for updates!

you know at first i thought that it was just for the pure pleasure and indulgence. then somehow somewhere along the way things changed somewhat. the thing is i don't know whether it was just me or was it you too. but we just kept on anyway. until i went overseas and when i came back i thought everything changed. but apparently not. as i found now not too long ago, when the chemistry just seemed to bounce of the walls so much that i think someone else noticed too. and i couldn't help feeling that i was being cared and loved by someone. only that it would be too good to imagine exactly that, and it can't possibly be true or else things wouldn't have turned out this way. yet no one has affected me this much for a long long time. it just makes me question exactly how much space have you unknowingly reserved in my heart. each time i try to crush the feeling and stuff it somewhere dark and jump up and down on it, there are times when it just springs right back into being whenever i think about you or what.  i would really like to just tell myself that yes its only for the fun but somehow my heart tells me otherwise. tear me in two. and its really a classic case of how fate has played with me. and maybe this time fate may win.

its been a harrowing week, and lots of things have gone through my mind during the days of idling and doing nothing. it made me wonder so much about why i have nothing to do or why i can't push myself to do stuff. and somehow today a few things decided to click into place in my brain and suddenly i find myself reenergized and ready to do stuff and get my ass moving. among other things of course.

i had the sudden urge to look up the song from Love of Siam that i watched at nicholas's house the other day. so i went on youtube and i looked for it, and i found it. and when i watched it the lyrics just sank into me, and something just went click. i got reminded that love doesn't always come in the way we think it does. and that love doesn't have to be because of lust or physical attractions. and that there are more than a few simple ways that love can be expressed. why can't we sing our love out, or show it symbolically, or write out a song. or draw pictures. i realised that over time i became afraid to show love. i haven't written a poem in ages, and i haven't drawn anything in centuries. if i wrote anything it was cos of sadness cos of my own problems, instead of what i used to write about my own feelings about other people. and perhaps this is what's been causing me my misery, that all my emotions are just bottled up inside even though i think i'm letting them out. whatever it is, Love of Siam just made me remember alot of things that i've forgotten, and now that i've remembered them, i feel like a much happier person. =]

then i went to see 12 Lotus with ron. and i couldn't decide whether it was a good show or not. on one hand the sadness and pity just filled me up that i couldn't say a word, but on the other it wasn't exactly a very smooth show and some parts were just completely crazy but then again i could say that it reflects the lead's state of mind. thinking about the entire story, it felt like it was trying to say that no matter how bad life is, you still have to live it out to the very end, and you can suffer and be bullied or ill-treated, but life will still go on, dragging you with it. yet all through out, the lead clung on to one thing. and that was love. whether it was wrongly perceived or false or misjudged or even true, it appeared to be the one thing that kept her going and living. and it reminds me of Love of Siam's song where the lyrics said 'where there is love there will always be hope'.

life will always try to make your life bad. that is the way of things i guess. and it is up to us whether we want to just grasp the Goddess of Mercy and hope that something out there will help us, or if we should just pick ourselves off the floor, and accept what comes, change what can be changed, and abide by what cannot. we can all find our own happinesses i think... its only how we want to go about it.

i hope he really loves you more than i do,
that's when i will force myself to leave.

how do you want me to say it,
i never wanted to leave you.
why do you want me to smile while i do.
i don't have it in me
to see you with him
but don't worry too much
i think i will be fine.

when you are far away,
i will also slowly walk away
why can't i leave without implicating you.
i don't have it in me,
to leave you quietly
i will learn to let you go.
because i really do love you.


i just had a random impulse to do this. haha. i think its nice. such a wreck.

well well well. i just typed out my entire entry and as usual IE had to crash and make me lose all my inspired words. doesn't everyone feel that these blog posts can only be typed once in all its perfection and beauty and can almost never be replicated once they are deleted? oh well. i shall try to recreate what was lost.

finally posted again after ages. there's an ad-hoc poem down there which i think is quite nice but then again i was the one who wrote it so. there have been many times when i felt like blogging my heart out to rant about stupid things or brainless ones or stuff that i thought the whole day about and finally understood the crux of things. there were times since after i lasted posted, during thailand, after it. but somehow i managed to resist the urge and compact all of it and keep it inside of me. now i think every little revelation is now stuck somewhere inside and will brighten up with clarity when the times come for me to use them. what a nice little feeling. like a personal guide book to life, albeit a self written one.

many things have happened. like duh right. fate is once again playing around with me like a tragic puppet. so many surprises in store, so many let downs, so many reminders of what could be but now isn't. yet now i can laugh right in its face while keeping all those bouts of intense emotion hidden and suppressed. there are times when they come back right up like vomit but i guess i'm still handling it. i wonder if there's a day when it'll just explode. but somehow i feel that i'm back on track. that my life isn't going down anymore. its starting to go up. and i think with the right steps i'll keep going. just gotta make sure i don't take the wrong ones huh. and i hope i'm not on the wrong path already. i guess i'm more or less back to my old self. stubborn, headstrong, and whatever else people think i am. like a cold, hard bitch. nice to know that some people actually see me that way. never thoguth about ti but yeah now that i do. haha. guess i shall have to try to be a little warmer and softer. or maybe just more than i am now.

the fragile heart is no more.

whatever i feel, or whatever you feel, i think its just better for us to just let it go here and now before it just gets any worse. what will be, will be, and if i really do feel something, but its just momentarily clouded it my mind now, it'll probably come clear to me later on. if we do go on i fear it's just going to complicate matters and irritate the hell out of me that the decisions i make or things i say will just be as hurtful. so just let it go.

you know what... some things (or people) are just not worth waiting for.






and there are some people who are. =] you know what to do. and what not.

once again i get the feeling that i'm growing older, and understanding more of life's mysteries. and i guess right now i'm just here to enjoy life as much as i can, without worrying or thinking about things that worry or stress me out. lol. that'll be my aim til i ORD and i can start working to get stuff that i want and i need in preparation for university. and i think i'll do quite well. my friends are all there for me. army mates are as tight as ever. 

dragonboat never felt better. even though after every training we're all dying and hungry for lunch you just feel this sense of satisfaction when everyone gets out of the boat. and right now when we're all putting effort to train for race day... its just happy. =] personally for me i haven't raced before so i guess this will be a first if i go down to the water, and i guess i don't really expect much results. of course there's the impetus to try and win something but i wouldn't be too sad if we didn't get very far either cos i know we've rowed hard together and stuff. but maybe its too early to say all this.

and i know perhaps it seems very shotgun to say this after what i've told you before but at this point in time i don't think i want to get into any relationships yet. let's just say that with everything happening around me i don't need added stress. but i'm still open to meetups and catchups and any sort of outing just so long as you know, it doesn't get mistaken for some intimate date or what. and i think i have formed some new policy or philoshophy for going out with people. time to see if it works.

on a lower note, i now have to book in very soon, and there'll be national day parade practice on saturday, so i'll probably blog again on saturday night. i've found blogging to be soothing after all the messed up days and stuff, where i can just clear things in my head as i write them out, and make it food for thought and contemplation. human life is complex, but only because humans make it that way. i plan to decomplexify my life. =]

the world grows cold with loneliness,
a single star in the sky,
untouchable, unreachable
yet it sparkles for my eye.

this night was pretty perfect in terms of clubbing standard. 
the music was good.
the crowd was there.
my friends were enjoying themselves. 

and yet. i suddenly felt as if my world just collapsed. it felt as if all the truths i felt i believed in was quite impossible. for me at least. everyone else seems to have their happy ending. or at least a possible happy ending. people had mutual interests about each other and they seemed so happy and in bliss, just talking or dancing or what. and i felt like a fish out of water. somewhat out of place. i never do seem to find the right person for me. there's always this problem or that, and its so hard to just deviate from my own ideal. right now i really have no idea what i want. maybe i don't want anything. i don't need anything or anyone.

waiting, waiting.
waiting for prince charming,
to sweep you off your feet,
yet he can't be just any prince charming.

he's gotta be the right one for you.

i think i thought i found you... but it seems you just rode past me to find some other call for distress. 

tough luck on me then. the world isn't fair.

its strange but with every day that passes by i feel myself growing dumber, slower, and more weighed down. its a rare moment when i'm just enjoying myself without a care in the world and just lost in happiness. maybe that's why i treasure my dragonboat practices and dance so much. rhythm is a hypnotic thing to lose yourself in; meaning to say that its easy and naturally done. 

it wasn't always like this. years ago i was like that most of the time, happy with who i was, able to feel in control of my life. i didn't really care what other people thought, or what they did. i could feel love, i could give love. 

now its just so hard. there's so much doubt in my mind. about this, about that, about the truth and the half truth, about whether he's lying, about whether he's doing it on purpose, or for what purpose or is it just another way of seeing things that people don't often see and that is how rumor gets out and about to spread like wildfire across a plain. and what other rumor would spread about me. whether it would affect the present. the future. i have become so calculating and so complex in thought that nothing comes without ulterior motives and every step has to be taken with care and consideration. and i am tired. tired of thinking, but knowing that one wrong step could lead to disaster, i fight the weariness and continue thinking. i've become quick tempered and snappy and rude to people i usually care about. and i don't like it. this is not me. not the boy i know from a few years ago who laughed and smiled with his friends and danced his heart out on the floor without caring what other people thought about it. not the boy who had dreams of being a dancer, who still dreams of being one but finding reality slowly slipping and binding the wings of flight. i feel nothing else burning inside me except a passion to dance. its strange. i can't imagine myself doing anything else as an occupation. dance just seems so appropriate. yet i don't believe i have the ability to perform well. and that only drives me to do better. the only barrier now seems to be the time that is being taken up by NS. but i digress.

should a person's past be forgotten if the present claims to have been changed? exactly how much changes? i know for certain that i have. but this isn't about me. or should i just throw caution to the wind and just go with the flow. yet even so the answer appears to be the same. the spark just isn't there. is that the answer to the difference between love and lust? i would feel ashamed to find it so. no one would feel proud to cheapen a relationship with another.  so now the right thing to do would be the hardest thing to do, but i know it will be better for us. i cannot live a lie and feel comfortable about it. 

i need to relearn to follow my heart and to keep my mouth shut and make it move slower than my brain takes to think, preventing words that should have been kept inside from leaking out, or from the wrong things from being said before they can be taken back.

i know you will probably read this. i want you to know that i haven't given up. but i needed an outlet to think my thoughts through and this is mine. there are many things i have to say to you but don't know how. questions to ask, things to confirm. yet i think all this i have to do within my own time. there are insecurities i would share with you, to see if you can assuage them, and these are the things i think you would assume as you read this post. do not assume too much cos i may not have as much as you think i do. i would rather you not know of any of this at all but this is here. right now i can only say i feel for you as much as i would feel for a friend, and nothing more, if i have to keep my heart completely honest. 

i only hope this has not hurt too much, but i know it will.

i'm sorry. but hang on. i will.

the best entries aren't the longest ones. they're the shortest.

the greatest creations, achievements come alive because of the hopes, dreams and thoughts of those around us who ignite the spark of inspiration each time we feel love. 

i will not turn betrayer nor heartbreaker. you cannot imagine how far i have held myself back and if you DARE to blame me and hold me responsible for anything that happens i tell you now that i have stepped back and you with all your free time and right of way had better cherish what you have and handle the matter properly. my trademark senba will be my last signal and with that i will be gone til the next time the wheel of fortune decides to spin me out again. 

cny has come and gone. been having a sian day today and i kept wondering how come i didn't have anything planned for today until just now that i realised i was supposed to complete this personal project of mine today. and now i don't think i have enough time. there goes all the planning and the thought. all of it now has to be postponed to some other appropriate date. 

i think i more or less have my life at a stable state now. just gotta wait for ns to stop wasting my time and get to a uni. i love the friends that i've made the past year and most recently. i love the mates i have in camp. i love the times i have spent with these people, clubbing, rowing, running, doing physical training, shopping, suffering, drinking and etc etc.

i'm happy with how things are going. i'm happy i got to know you. i'm happy when i'm with you. when i see you, when i talk to you, when i msg you. i'm happy that there's nothing so far that's going to endanger this state of peacefulness. of quiet contentment. 

i'm just very satisfied with how life is right now for me.